The Flaw in Believing You Deserve to Be Happy All the Time

I am the only attendee at my pity party. No one else is coming. There are no balloons. Or cake. Or disco lights. Just me, sitting in the cold wet mud of the funk I’ve not been able to shake.

What’s different from other times is that I’m not trying to “affirm” my way out of it. I’m not listening to hours of Abraham Hicks so I feel better. Nor looking to The Secret to save me. I will not force myself to listen to YouTube videos of birds chirping and creeks burbling in an attempt to soothe my mind or even try to change it with the classics of New Thought teachers like Florence Scovill-Shinn or Alan Watts.

Instead, I choose to embrace this moment. As shitty as it feels.

Why?

Because snuggling up to the sadness, frustration and anger inevitably leads to acceptance, which opens the door to real happiness. It honors the piece of me expressing this emotion instead of trying to gaslight myself into believing I shouldn’t feel this way and jumping on a mental hamster wheel in an effort to get to a destination that doesn’t exist: permanent happiness.

I spent years listening to Abraham/Esther Hicks tell me the entire reason I was born is to experience joy. I invested too many hours to count trying to absorb the words of the gurus in The Secret about how I have the power to manifest whatever I want. (Note: none of the examples were ever about creating world peace or ending hunger; they were all focused on building individual happiness through wealth or finding your soul mate). If I just climb that emotional ladder from depression to discouragement, pessimism to positive expectation to passion, I will finally reach joy and freedom.

All I experienced following the advice of these experts was an endless battle between what I thought I “wanted” and “reality” that always ended with me eventually feeling shitty again. Sure, we all want to feel happy and joyful. But is it possible to be in that state all the time? Nope. It sure isn’t.

By fighting what most people label “negative” emotions, all we do is steamroll them, flattening our vast ability to feel into a one-dimensional version of happiness that is as fake as cubic zirconia. You can call it “simulated” or “faux” or “synthetic” but it’s still anything but authentic.

Although I’ve suspected this was the truth for several years now, it wasn’t until the Universe forced me to be still because of physical challenges that I sank into the power that comes from giving myself permission to feel everything. I’ve learned more about real happiness and appreciation through experiencing struggle and pain than I ever did trying to climb that emotional scale.

Being benched for the last year made me realize that joy and misery are two sides of the same coin - like fear and excitement. When I admit it and let myself feel afraid, the excitement has more room to blossom. I’ve found the same to be true for misery and joy.

Of course, I spent the first few months fighting my physical reality. I (or more accurately, my ego) was loath to admit where my body really was - fragile and vulnerable. So I kept pushing, refusing a cane much less a walker, and doing more damage. It was my PT, Jo, who slapped me into reality.

“You need to sit to do dishes or cook,” she insisted. So I started using my office chair to glide around the kitchen, eliminating the pressure on my non-existent hip joint. Subconsciously, I had avoided cooking, something I love to do, and instead was surviving on sandwiches and soup.

Embracing where I was made life easier. But first, I had to allow myself to feel the anger, resentment and sadness. I cried. A lot. There were times I couldn’t get out of bed. This process took a while. But giving those feelings the space to exist finally opened the door for me to be creative and experiment in the kitchen. I then got to share what I made with others, which brings me enormous joy. All because I accepted how shitty things were physically.

This led to me figuring out how to get out of my apartment since I couldn’t walk. And now I can see family and friends someplace other than my apartment, run my own errands and most importantly, I don’t feel trapped. If I want to go get a cup of coffee, I can do that.

Now, I do my best when I feel the “negative” emotions arise (like this morning) to give them room to breathe. To be. And every time I do, like an out-of-season Christmas miracle, they dissipate, clearing the way for authentic joy - the kind I experience when I write.

I remember that It’s never the sadness, anger, frustration or resentment that are the problem. It’s the resistance to them that is. The belief that we deserve to be happy all the time, a belief that has built a spiritual wellness industry worth $3.6 billion, is a giant impediment to being authentically happy.

So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m ready to move to the next part of my day. I’ve freed myself to be creative by moving through all the feelings that didn’t feel so good. Now I’m going to attempt making empanadas and chimichurri for the first time! We’ll see how it goes...